A Very Short Story

[emptysea]

As a boxer leaps out of his corner ready to engage his opponent at the sound of the bell, so the Jeep suddenly jumped forward almost immediately after the rider sounded his horn. Now he knew that the previously stopped driver crossing from his right had neither saw nor heard him as he approached the intersection. His brain began the speed-of-light calculations for action that most people call instinct. His eyes twitched back and forth, scanning for the information he needed. His left hand pressed forward 0n the hand-grip, moving his bike further left than he had already moved it in reaction to his inexplicable intuition that the vehicle would not remain stopped, now into the opposing and completely empty lane. He snapped his right wrist downward, the throttle rolling counterclockwise in his gloved hand. He also, for reasons still unknown to him, crouched into something resembling a motorcycle racer's "tuck" position, lowering his chest toward the tank and positioning his chin just inches above the handlebar. His bike smoothly rounded the front end of the SUV, now blocking about 3/4 of his lane. He pressed on his right hand, retook his center-left position in the proper lane, and continued true on his route.

He, like any good street motorcyclists would, took no small degree of satisfaction that his intuition and instincts where up to the test just presented and then wondered, like all good street motorcyclists wondered (though seldom aloud), would they be up to the next one?

[Cormanus]

Nice escape, MTC. You OK?

[emptysea]

yes, for sure and thanks for asking.

I am working on a short story somewhat involving motorcycling and I felt it was getting too wordy. The above story was something of an exercise for me to see if I could pare a much longer narrative into a paragraph that had enough emotion and imagery to keep a reader's interest and with an opening and conclusion that could be easily understood from my words or at least inferred by them.

[Cormanus]

I had to read it a couple of times to get my head around it. Do you want some more detailed feedback?

[emptysea]

feedback is always welcome.

[Cormanus]

Bear in mind the statement attributed to HG Wells, No passion in the world, no love or hate, is equal to the passion to alter someone else’s draft" which, by the way should probably have been "No passion in the world, no love nor hate, is equal to the passion to alter someone else’s draft.

[emptysea]

Mind beared.

[emptysea]

A Very Short Story - Draft 2

As a boxer leaps out of his corner ready to engage his opponent at the sound of the bell, so the Jeep suddenly jumped forward almost immediately after the rider sounded his horn. Now he knew that the previously stopped driver crossing from his right had neither seen nor heard him as his motorcycle approached the intersection. His brain began the speed-of-light calculations for action that most people call instinct. His eyes twitched back and forth, scanning for the information he needed. His left hand pressed forward 0n the hand-grip, moving his bike into the opposing and fortunately empty lane. This was a more subtle move than it might have been had not the rider already moved left, and sounded his horn for that matter, in response to that inexplicable feeling he sometimes got that the vehicle just might not stay put.He snapped his right wrist downward, the throttle rolling counterclockwise in his gloved hand. He also, for reasons still unknown to him, crouched into something resembling a motorcycle racer's "tuck" position, lowering his chest toward the tank and positioning his chin just inches above the handlebar. His bike smoothly rounded the front end of the SUV, now blocking about 3/4 of his lane. He pressed on his right hand, retook his center-left position in the proper lane, and continued true on his route.

He, like any good street motorcyclist, took no small degree of satisfaction that his intuition and instincts where up to the test just presented. Like them, he would deliberate on whether he'd be up to the next test and, again like them, he would keep his deliberations to himself.
Thanks to Cormanus for some excellent suggestions and edits. I think this version reads a bit better than the first.

[Cormanus]

Nice one, MTC.

The intuition you describe is real; the 'certainty' that someone is not going to do what they should has saved me a couple of times and not just on the bike.

[Stichill_imp]

Fun read! I love it.